It is amazing how dangerous our minds can be to our bodies. While I should be losing a pound or so a day, I have actually maintained at the exact weight I was during the previous Maintenance period of this diet. There really is no physical reason for me to not be following the diet - I have plenty of time to cook and I know how to be successful. THe only thing I can think is that I am sabatoging myself. I know I am. Everytime I start doing well, I give myself an excuse to eat off my diet. It's a waste of my own money and my time. I need to identify the problem and talking to a friend earlier this week, I think I have figured it out.

Our minds have an image of what we are supposed to look like. When we start to deviate from this mental image, we start to change our behavior to realign with that image.

I have always thought of myself as a "big girl" and it is hard to separate from that idea. Unless I can "picture" myself at my smaller, healthier weight, I will likely keep sabotaging myself. But how do I do that when even pictures of myself are overweight. How do I imagine myself at a size I have not been for over 20 years? That's the trick question.

I am sure almost every person who keeps a "real" blog are trying to figure out how to address the 10-year anniversary of September 11th and the horrors and heroism of that day.

Earlier this week I recorded a show that addressed how popular culture responded to 9/11 and how that helped people to begin healing. Watching it tonight, I can't help but ask one question:

How long will it take before seeing video and hearing stories of the people whose lives were immediately effected by the events of the day will stop making me cry? When will it stop hurting to empathize with the losses of that day?

I didn't know anyone immediately involved. No one I know died or lost a loved one - at least as far as I know. I guess I'm just too sensitive. It is too easy for me to imagine myself in others' shoes and to feel a shadow of the pain - and that isn't just with this tragedy. Empathy is a double-sided blade. It helps you to feel more alive and connected to others, but it makes it easy to feel pain that isn't my own. It becomes my own.

On the anniversary, take time to help a stranger, smile at a server, volunteer, hug a loved one, anything to remind you, even for a moment, that you are part of the "tribe" of humanity. Please.

Wow - Long, time, no posts, but that is to be expected, I guess. For the longest time, I have been the queen of self-sabotage and haven't truly embraced that I deserve to be healthy, but I think I finally have. However, some may question the means.

I'm on the 500-calorie a day HCG program. This week I started my second round. Having 90+ pounds to lose, I know I need to see results in order to stay motivated and one pound a week was demoralizing. This program is restrictive and, at times, a royal pain, but it seems to work well for me. The first time through I did 40 days (its supposed to be 45, but I ended early so I could restart over a holiday weekend). I lost 25 lbs. Not too shabby. :-)

Now that I'm 235 rather than 260, I'm hoping to hit 200 by the end of this round. So far, it's day 5 and I have lost the weight I put on during the "binge" days. I'm also getting adjusted to the eating patterns again and finding solutions for while I'm at work.

I'll keep you posted as things move forward. Until then, here's so photo evidence (yep, same dress in both):

Front - Starting

Side - Starting

Side - 235

Front - 235

Day One - Plan

So here's my start:
When I wake up, I'll use my stationary bike for 15 minutes
For breakfast, I'll have 4oz Stoneybook Greek Honey yogurt.
Throughout the morning, I'll have coffee with creamer and Truvia
After my first two classes, I'll have a protein bar to keep hunger at bay until I get home for the afternoon
Lunch will be 2 slices of Double Fiber Bread with Reduced Fat Peanut Butter and Sugar-free Cherry Jam
After lunch I'm either going to walk my dog for 40 minutes, depending on the weather. That isn't much of a workout, so when I get back from that, I will either use my bike again or I'll do a workout video.
Dinner will be Black Beans and Tilapia with Brussel Sprouts.
If I get hungry later, I'll have either a piece of vegetable pizza (no crust) or 100-cal popcorn.
Before bed, I want to practice either meditation or yoga, but we'll see how the day goes - I have a lot of grading to do.

Resolution

Damn. The year is already 1/3 of the way over and I am heavier and lazier than I have been in years. Enough is enough. In order to hold myself accountable, I'm going to plan my meals, workouts, etc. online in order to track my needed health plan. As it stands, I am 6' tall with a 40" waist and a weight of 255 pounds. My LDL is a little high and my blood work, while technically acceptable, could use some cleaning. I rarely exercise these days and that leads to difficulty in focusing on mental activities and difficulty in sleeping. It is time to change this - way past time.

Here's the general plan - start getting at least 30 minutes of activity daily and eat a responsible diet. The general idea is pretty common sense, but the devil, as always, is in the details.

For diet, I will work with the Diet Doc guidelines given to me when I was partaking in that plan. The plan is approximately 1200 calories with a 40/30/30 food breakdown (protein/carbs/fat). I have sorta half-assed this one before and the times when I followed through with the diet, I didn't get overly hungry and still had energy to workout.

For exercise, it really is a case of putting myself first and getting off my butt more often. It is too easy to sit on the couch and watch America's Next Top Model or Snapped or any of 100 other TV shows. Instead, I need to make moving a priority.

While today is a little late to start this plan, it is on as of tomorrow. Goddess give me strength to be the beautiful warrior I know you intend me to be.